AccMan never knowingly under opinionated

KPMG technology sucks: official

If you’re in KPMG Dallas, Chicago, New York, Fort Worth – or pretty much anywhere else for that matter, you already know what the rest of the world suspects: your firm’s idea of technology sucks. So much so in fact that a couple of emails are doing the rounds in the US which say:

From a senior associate at KPMG:

The best question is: 4. Do you feel like KPMG’s lack of technology is slowing down your development and progress in your career? My response: Absolutely. The use of morse-code telephones, word processors and telegraphs is a hinderance to my auditing ability. My developement has suffered too – I cannot speak in full sentences, have forgotten my colors, and can no longer put shapes into their apporpriate slots. My career has suffered as well. After looking around for another job, I am only eligible for jobs at Taco Bell and McDonald’s because they have an automated beeper when to take the fries out. I don’t know how to use this thing called a telephone, and is there a little man living inside, what people refer to as, a “computer”?

and this from another associate:

When is KPMG going paperless? I don’t know but I hope soon. Earlier this year I was flipping through some work papers and I got a nasty paper cut. The cut caused me to bleed all over the general ledger. We didn’t get it electronically because unbeknownst to KPMG, typewriters don’t receive electronic mail messages, so I had to ask the client for another one. Well let me tell you, the client was so angry at the request, not to mention the bloodshed, that he went to his boss, who went to the CFO, who went to the audit committee, and they dropped us as auditors mad fast. When this happened the partner was so angry that we lost the client he made me work for 27 days straight. I didn’t mind these hours because this was half of the hours I was working during busy season and the people I was working with were great, when they weren’t yelling at me, and fun to be around, in-between the games of who can hit me in the eye with a paperclip the most times in a minute. And flexibility; are you kidding? The team was totally flexible on when I could take my one personal phone call and two bathroom breaks. They would even let me combine two of them for an extra long break. You would be surprised at how much you could get done in 10 minutes. KPMG has great Mothers-in the workplace program. In fact it’s so great that even though I’m a guy I wish I could be a part of it. And whoever told you that 1-5 years is “as long as they want” was totally mistaken. I heard of this one girl who worked at KPMG and she had kids when she was 25 and didn’t return until she was 55. KPMG was so excited to have her back after missing her for 30 years that they immediately promoted her to partner. Also I don’t know where you heard that KPMG was the bottom of the big four, but remember if you start from the bottom the only way you can go is up! In closing, I might not have answered all of your questions but with the information I have provided I am confident you will make the right decision.

While each person in the chain thinks they are ‘hilarious’ with humour comes a grain of truth, although in this case there’s a lot more to this. So riveting are these emails they’ve made their way to Deloitte & Touche. It can’t be long before they hit PwC and EY and then who knows where from there?

Cue Francine methinks.

By the way: note to regulators: you guys think these folk know their stuff. Right?

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